your calling?.

 matthew 9: 35-38

so today at church, we had a guest speaker share to us the importance of missionaries, specifically the urgency of it. I was a little weary (and still am) about the whole topic that was being discussed. To be truthfully honest, I'm at the point of my life where statistics mean nothing to me, especially if it's only pointing out the obvious. I'm not an ignorant smartass, but I need a whole lot more if you're ever gonna convince me. But it did get me thinking real hard (I was in an internal head-battle) about what I want to do in the future, so I guess God was working within me there. The service wasn't just about that though, it mostly covered the importance of evangelism and our calling toward that goal. The guest speaker asked if we should ask ourselves if our calling to was stay at home rather than if we were to go out and evangelise, meaning for us Christians, we should be thinking and acting like reaching out to others is the norm. It's definitely confronting (for me) to hear something like that. I don't like the idea of a predestined future us or hearing about "god's plan." Let's face it, we don't what it is, and if you do you're wrong because it's incomprehensible - all I know is that is it good. And well, "we are the choices we make." 

But that's it, throughout the entire service I'd debate with myself whether it was my calling to do something more than show love towards the people around me, if maybe, I will be the one to go on missionaries and such (in the distant future). The idea for me is conceivable, humanitarian aid is something I want to do, so missionaries ain't that far off. It's a reality. I see that as a good thing, but to have total conviction is always going to be daunting for anyone, so I self-doubt in myself. That's what I was struggling the most with the topic. How can I be that convinced without not seeing the entire picture, moreover neglecting the obvious facts? When I think evangelism, I see reaching out to others, proclaimation etc. But I also see rejection from others who'd shut themselves from hearing His word and I don't think I could hack it. I know I'm weak whenever it comes to God, and I do believe a passive voice can be more powerful at times than an active one. Self-curiousity is natural to us coz it provokes us in the face. You asked if it will be enough to make a different? I ask when it is ever enough? I don't think I should justify that to anyone other than God. He knows what's right in my head and my heart. 

so after it all, I see many possibilities and I can't help but wonder whether all this thinking that God's doing to me is going to, in the end, prepare me for what's up ahead. Maybe you're like me where you don't like to think too much about the future coz it's all blurry and difficult to the point where you're scatching at your head and your hair's all everywhere. But I think we should keep a open mind about it all and well, be prepared through faith and prayer.

ps. didn't reread or edit, did I make sense?!